It's just what we do.

During times of stress and durees, B-man and I kind of take a break. Instead of our usual Dinner and Food Network watching, we go our own ways.

Some times we do this for a week. It makes me love my husband more, knowing that we don't have to spend every moment together. Lol. I love that he forgives me when I snap at him that "I'm just reading." Since... I'm usually reading blogs on the expensive computer we bought to aid in his video gaming (among other things). So kind of him to not complain, when I could easily be sitting on the couch with a laptop. Instead, he plays video games on the TV.

Another endearing part of this "alone-time" is that he's still ridicously thoughtful. I know I could just as easily walk into the kitchen to get a drink, but he spoils me.

I don't know, but I tell myself he enjoys the time too. He gets to play his video games with out me complaining. Sometimes he pauses so we can snuggle for a minute on the couch, and then we both return to our solitary activities.

Before I got married, I spent a lot of time alone. Reading, watching TV, napping. I was worried that once we had been married for a while, I would go stir crazy for lack of breathing space. Thankfully B-man gets me, and my crazy desires to read blogs for hours on end. Don't worry, I predict that by Wednesday (or... whenever our Netflix gets here) that we will be chilling on the couch again. I mean... what's a young married couple to do?!

Oh boy.

The dogs are wresting under the table. Growling... moaning... barking...

B-man says:

"Something subversive is going on down there."

Oh boy. It's that kind of day.

I have pictures of my first two recipes from our new cookbook. I'll post them... eventually. lol. In the mean time I was hoping to plant my garden today, but apparently i have to wait... says B-man. So I am impatiently waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

Two days.

How did I go two days with out blogging?

Stress.

Anxiety.

I compare myself to others, and then I fall short. Not good enough.

I'm not famous. My blog isn't consistently interesting, or funny. It's not full of beautiful pictures of original recipes. But it is full of my life. That should be enough.

__________________

Motivation is not running through my blood.

It's cold outside.

The sun tricks me,

pulls me,

teases me,

then disappears.

____________________________

B-man is doing the dishes. I asked him to do it earlier.

I don't usually ask. What's wrong with me?

Then he waited.

And waited...

And waited.

Now it's 12:24 in the morning. I'm tired and sore, and I want to snuggle up to his ridiculously warm body and fall asleep. It's easier to fall asleep when it's warm.

------0---------------0---------

The warmth is fleeting.

From my fingers...

my toes.....

my nose.

It's cold inside.

I can make a million excuses,

but none good enough...

"it's cold"

"I'm tired."

"too much to do..."

But in the end

there is a hole inside of me.

Eating,

tearing,

consuming.

My mind wanders,

wiggles,

dances,

giggles,

trips,

cries,

Stop.

__________________________

Why is he doing the dishes? Why didn't I get my homework done. Why am I not sleeping. What time is it? When do I have to get up? Can I sleep a little bit longer?

I have too much to do tomorrow. Far too much to do.

I think my phone is dead.

Crying.

I hate sad posts.

I hate depressing posts.

I tend to stop blogging when things aren't happy because I don't really want to dwell on them.

But today is a special case (because it has a (semi) happy ending).

I woke up this morning. Then I went to class. Debate class. It's a part of my western civilization class. It's kind of silly, but in general it's not too bad. We discuss things like "Which had a bigger economic impact, AIDS or the Plague." Yeah. Duh. We sit in these groups and come up with questions for other groups. Here's where it goes sour.

I suggested a question. Some one else said something, and the next thing I know:

I'm crying. Yes. I'm sitting a group with three 20 year old guys, and I'm crying. Why am I crying? Because... I don't know. I can't even explain why I'm crying. Should I say "One day you'll understand." or "Wait till you get married."? Nope, you probably won't understand then either. I spend so much of Sunday crying that social interaction is causing me just enough stress to make me cry. Oh dear.

So, I did manage to get out the words "Failed a few midterms" and "really it's nothing" before one of the afore mentioned 20 something year olds offered me a handkerchief.

What?

Yeah, that zip sound that happens in movies. That happens in my life. It was sweet, but I had to politely decline. Really, he had probably used it to wipe his nose on... or maybe he carries it around to offer to crying married women. Who knows?! I did manage to make it through the rest of my 50 minute class without crying. Yes!

The people, they look like ants, marching

back and forth, where are they going?

Where have they been?

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I finished my project for my class that I had failed the test in. Then spent a good while trying to convince myself that I should go. Cause, ya know, skipping doesn't usually help your grade.

So, I went to class. And I got my test back. It was one page long. I cried. I hyperventilated. I already know what grade I'd gotten. Why was I crying again? I excused myself to the bathroom. Then I sat down. I took slow, deep breaths.

I wasn't going to be able to talk her. Just thinking about this was making me upset. So, I wrote it down. I went through each of her response, and wrote down why I thought that my response was correct. English is such an ambiguous language. Lame. I think I cried during this part too. I guess confrontation causes me stress.

In class we talked about independent learning.

She just gave us a bunch of bottles of stuff and some almonds.

Yeah... this is what we came up with!

It all worked out in the end. I ended up explaining two of them, which she had read differently than I had intended, and she said I could do the other questions again for half credit. So, instead of getting an 8/15, I now have a 13/15. We also had a good chat about the value of grades, and that she knows I work hard, and that as long as I keep participating and turning in my homework, there's no way I will get below an A. Awesome. Could you have told me that on Saturday, when you sent out the "test grades." Yup, muchly appreciated. Then I wouldn't have eaten all of this:

Ok... I didn't actually eat all of that today. And it had nothing to do with Language Development, or classes. Well, it did have to do with classes, but in a round-a-bout kind of way.

I was going to watch a movie. I needed to watch the movie so I could pick an element of Judaism to write about, that was present in the movie. I didn't see any religion. I missed it. I watched the whole thing. We talked about it. Yeah... he's Jewish... but... umm... not so much? I can't write about it. Even I can't BS two pages about nothing! So, thankfully there is another option and I will write about the other movie.

Life is Beautiful. That's the name of the movie. It came out in 1998. It is probably one of the sweetest, most sad movies I have ever seen in my entire life. I ate ice cream. I cuddled the dog. I hid my eyes. I plugged my ears. Then I cried. The main character, a Jewish Italian during the holocaust, is in the camp with his son, whom he hides from the Germans to keep alive. He makes it into this big game of points and hide and go seek, and then....

I can't talk about movies. Go look it up if you want to know. Some people like to know what's happening, and other don't. I must know. Everything. I hate surprises. Yuck.

Any way, I cried. I started to tear up, and B-man looked at me. I cried.

"Don't laugh at me?!"

"I'm trying not to cry too!"

Yup, those were his exact words. So it's not that I'm a crazy-crying lady, oh thank goodness.

My two favorite...men?

And I guess that is where I must end. I am so thankful to the people who have supported me through this miniature meltdown of mine. I don't know what came over me, but it was awful. I should be returning to full health soon, but beware, because I still might cry.

My poor husband. It's not even "that time" and I'm acting like a lunatic!

Self esteem boosts rock!

So I have been posting vlogs of me signing recently, and the response has been wonderful. It really makes me feel good to know that people enjoy watching them, as I was worried people would be like "I don't want to take 3 minutes to 'read' you blog!"

Thank you.

The reason I started this blog (again) was because I needed to do something for myself. I was getting so stressed out about school and all of the craziness that was my life, and I just needed a creative outlet, a place to write down to awesome, and lame things in my life.

Now, for some picture evidence of that new TV!

Sizing up the competition!

Our old TV was not small, but it was time. Oh, if you know any one looking to buy a TV... let me know. It comes with the stand and... ummm... you can have the sound system too if you want!

I always think it's going to be exciting opening new things, then I remember I'm doing it with B-man. It's not that he's not exciting... but... he doesn't show any kind of excitement. So I'm jumping around behind the camera doing a happy dance, and he's like "are you really going to take pictures of this???" So umm... this was the only picture I took of the set-up.

I snuck back in there today while he wasn't looking and took a "finale" picture. Now, it's not really final because now we need to find a place to put all of the dishes and things we were storing in that entertainment center! lol. Know any one selling a hutch? haha.

All in all, we're just kind of growing up. We are so thankful to the people who donated to the newlywed cause, but one by one we are growing up, and buying new thing. Let me compare lists for you though:

My List

1. Comfy couch

Yeah... I know, there's really only one thing on my list. But that's because I am pretty satisfied. Here's another list though:

B-man's list

1. Component cables for the Wii
2. upgrade our cable to HD
3. Blueray player
4. Comfy couch.

Now, he hasn't explicitly said he wants a comfy couch, but I think it should be on his list.

Maybe we'll return the TV.... and get a couch instead! lol.

ETA: I wanted to send a special thanks out to Kelsey, who respond to my ASL video, with her own video! AWESOME! I "wrote" back! Ok... I think four hyper-links is enough for one sentence!

The Big Purchase!

Hello, so here's another signed blog entry for you!

B-man and I really did search high and low for this item, but I find kind of amusing is that I really was the driving force in this. I think he was nervous about spending money, especially since I am usually saying "no" to $50 video games. But, it was time, and we were ready! I think he's definitely happy with the purchase now... he's been playing his video games on it!

Next item on the expensive list? A couch.

What are some things on your wishlist that you are hoping to buy soon?

Dishes...

This morning B-man says "What do you want me to do?" I wasn't sure what he meant, but I asked him if he would PLEASE dispose of the copious amount of chocolate cake in out fridge, using whatever method he deemed appropriate. He did not eat it. But, he did proceed to take out the trash, dispose of the cake, wash the dishes, dry them, and put them away.

Then he says, "What do you want me to do?" And I said... "I think my new chair is kind of lopsided... could you take a look at it?" And he did. He took it apart, then put it back together.

Then I got in the shower. When I came out of the bathroom I saw this:

Wait, what's happening?!?!?

Some people may look at this and go "I would love it if my husband cleaned more. Well let me tell you, it's not all hunky doory. Things start to disappear, or you may end up with desk that look like this. I went into the bedroom for one second, and my clothes in the bathroom just disappeared!

I am kind of teasing though. It is frustrating when he just kind of... "put's things away," but at the end of the day, or... at 3:30 in the afternoon, I am so thankful for all of the things my sweet husband does for me. To be honest... I don't really want to wash dishes or do laundry, or vacuum - who does?! But, B-man takes good care of me, and I'm probably among the luckiest girls in the world. Want to know a secret?

Since we've been married, I can count the number of times I've done dishes on one hand. If my hand only had 2 fingers... it would still work. I hate dishes.

He loves me.

Two of my favorite things:

1. House. I love Me some Dr. House. Yes. I said love.
2. Blogging. I like talking about my attempts at cooking, crafting, sleeping, dog...owning (not sure how to make that one a verb!).

So Sissela Bok over at My Life*: Lady, asked, are there any "original bloggers." And you know, I would have to say yes. This is definitely not "self-promotion." Because before she asked this questions, I was thinking the same thing! I was trying to think about what makes me different from most people, and I guess it could be applied to bloggers as well. These things influence who I am, and in turn that influences what I blog about. I'm still working on this list, but for now it's kind of my own little pep-talk:

• I talk to myself. I talk to myself in my blog. My husband read something in my blog once and said... "Gosh, you really sound like this!" Which to me is fantastic. Yeah, I sound like an idiot! Lol. But honest to goodness, this blog is just a snap shot of the things I love about my life.
• I'm a jack of all trades. It is very unlikely that you could come up with a craft or activity that I haven't done. I love painting, sewing, writing, playing piano, singing, scrapbooking, and a myriad of other things.
• American Sign Language. I don't know how many people know ASL, but I not only know it, I use it every day as part of my passion. I love working with deaf children. It is such a special feeling when you finally see the understanding hit their tiny little brains. (More on this later. I could talk about Deaf kids, and ASL forever... and ever... and ever...)
• I love my dogs. That might not seem special, but the important thing here is that I love MY dogs. They are so precious to me. And their funny. I would keep them around just for that.
• I met my husband in high school, in Germany, when he used to tutor me in math (my least favorite subject ever!). He is one of two people who has seen me cry over math, meaning... I either had to marry him, or kill him - and I'm a gentle hearted person. lol. But seriously, B-man and I have been friends for so long, our relationship is something... a little different from your average romance. Not every one can so quaintly discuss their philosophical views on poop. But we can.
• I'm not a mom... or a foodie.... or a talented photographer. I dabble in most of these things, like... I talk about middle schoolers a lot... or I take pictures of the food I'm making. But I doubt any one would want to try my recipes, or pay for my pictures. Just not my thing.

So... that's the list for the time being. Now, tell me: what makes you unique?!

PS: I also have some pink hair... I guess that's "Special!"

Brain Dump

After my rant I'm feeling a bit more calm. Maybe I should do the same thing for my history teacher? Regardless, I would like to think about some of the other things going on in my brain lately.

• I like playing footies with the B-man.
• Today I painted my toenails red.
• I learned a lot about Henry VI and Charles the VII... or is it the other way around?
• I haven't been to the movies in over two months. Ah! Instead we stay home and watch netflix.
• We finally bought ink for the printer... after I turned in 3 papers printer in blue. Tee hee!
• I want to live on a farm. With farm animals. Yeah... one day!
• Anxiety. How do you combat anxiety?
• Can some one also explain to me why I need to take all of these irrelevant classes? I don't see history majors taking Special Education or Deaf Education course! That suggestion sounds ridiculous! Why would they? It would make them well rounded, but no. So, why do I need to take Western Civilization and World Religions? Because it will make me well rounded. Bull. Complete bull.
• Oh... and how do people keep sheets on the bed? It seems like every morning they are coming off. I've never had this problem before... maybe it's the mattress.
  
  
• My birthday is in two days!
  
  
• Bran-man let me open one of my presents early, since it arrived while I was home. He got me the expansion pack to Sims 3. I know it seems silly, and he said he let me open it early since it was kind of cheating (he wanted it too.). Fine with me! I don't have much time to just chill and play video games lately, but one day I will... hopefully!
• I also got a gift from my grandparents, one from my mom is on the way, and one from my mom-in-law!
• I have class until 8 on my birthday, but Bran-man is planning on making dinner and a cake on Tuesday, regardless of how late we will be eating. So sweet!
• Spring Break is less than a week away. I can TASTE it!

Ok, complete brain dump. I think it's over. What's been on your mind lately?

If you can't say anything nice...

Over the last week I have started many blog entries, but generally I get about two words in a realize I don't have anything nice or positive to say. It's kind of a problem. I am home for the summer, and getting used to living with a bunch of people who don't quite grasp "personal space" or "personal property" is very challenging.

Last summer flew by so quickly. This year flew by so quickly. For all the nights I spent whining and complaining to Brandan that time was never going to move and it was going to take forever for this summer to get here... I was wrong. It feels like just last month Brandan spent the night at my apartment for the first time, the weekend he helped me move in. Everything in between that is a blur. The week we spent together at Thanksgiving, the entire month that we were glued together for Christmas break. It seems like those long weeks in between visits were mere seconds now.

Considering how quickly a year has flown by (Brandan and I will have been together for a year this Thursday), I know that the next 95 days are just going to disappear. Sometimes I think "maybe I'm not ready for this" but I know it's what I want. I know that I am ready to start this new portion of my life. If 12 months seems like nothing, then three months is even shorter.

Lately I have been trying to just bite my tongue. I'm not very good at it, but I am sick of arguing with people. It's not worth my energy, and I don't want to spend the next three months just fighting. I want to remember the last three months of "single life" as something better. I don't know. I'm just kind of rambling now. It feels like, everytime I open my mouth, regardless of intention, some one takes it the wrong way, or twists it to something that they can be offended by. I hate feeling like I'm the bad person, and the only thing I can do is shut-up. I guess it's good practise.

Don't say anything at all.

Zippidee-doo-daa, Zippidee-ay!

My oh, my - what a wonderful day!

So today Brandan got a letter in the mail. An official offer for the job! Yes. The dream job. I don't know if I've blogged about this before or not. 

A few months ago Brandan was e-mailing with the boss-man, from the summer internships he's worked up in DC for a government agency. He was e-mailing his boss to say he would not be able to take a full time position with them because he was going to be living in Knoxville TN (so I can finish school) and the boss-man said "Oh, well I still want you to work from me, so I'll hire you as a contractor and you can work from home."

Um. Yes. That really happened. Wowzers!!! lol. So in anycase. They had been hammering out details and even though Brandan felt like the job was the real deal, and it was happening and we were stable and didn't need to worry... I was worrying. What if things didn't work out. There was no back-up plan. That was it. Our only hope. So when he got the letter in the mail with the official job offer, and an actual $alary number, and information on health insurance and dental insurence and retirement plans and company investing and so and so forth!!! Yeah!!!

I guess he is still trying to bargain for a bit more $$$, but as of right now - life couldn't get better. My life became real when I got the ring, when I filled out the marriage application, when we started buying things together - for us, when I was looking at apartments, and imagingi our life together. But now - it is real. We're not poor starving college students any more. We've got a salary (!!!) and we're working on a budget and golly-jeepers it's exciting and scary and crazy all at the same time!!!

Plenty of sunshine coming my way, zippidee-doo-daa, zippidee-ay!

Roll with the punches...

A few days ago some of my family told me that they would not be attending my wedding, for various reason. That really hurt my feelings. I've gone to their things, even though it was different from my own faith - but apparently tolerence only applies to certain people. It's disappointing, but I know that my family loves me, and it's going to be ok.

In other news! When that small internal crisis had passed, something else blows up. That something else being Becca's spleen. So... it hasn't exploded yet - but it sucks. A week ago she was diagnosed with mono, and they told her that he spleen was very swollen. So, they put her on some pain killers and told her to wait it out. Well... now she has a kidney infection, so she can't take the pain meds, OR her asthma medicines. It sucks to be Becca right now. I feel so bad and helpless. Not that I would be any more help if I were in the same state, but all I can do is spam her with messages of encouragment. 

Sometimes I just want a little sympathy. I want some one to say "yeah, that does suck - I'm sorry!" and then let me move on. When people tell me that my worries are not warrented, or that my feelings are invalid - it just makes me more upset. The last week has had plenty of emotional events, throw that on top of it being the week before the curse, and all I want to do is sleep. As I so ellogquently informed B-man this morning "the oxygen supply to my uteral lining has currently been cut off, and I don't know if that's ever happened to you - but it's rather painful right now... so give me a break. I'll be nicer tomorrow."

On a happier note! My bff Chrissy is coming down to visit me for her (super early) spring break. It is Wednesday, and she will be here on FRIDAY! Like... when I wake up tomorrow, I will be seeing Chrissy that next day. It is beautiful. We have Friday - Tuesday. My birthday is on Monday, and then she is going down south a little bit to visit some other friends, and then coming back up, stopping at my apartment for the night, and then Saturday she is driving home to NoVa and I am driving to VA Tech to pick up b-man, since he doesn't have a car. Then we get to spend a whole week together!

It really sucks being so far away.  For a while Brandan and I were reading scriptures together every night, but with the different homework loads (neither of us has as much as the other at the same time!) so we don't do it together very often. We have read books together, but we finished that one. I guess we're kind of taking a break from the reading together for a while. That's ok. I hate reading. We also send each other pictures so that there is always something new. I write him letters, and usually I scan and e-mail it to him, but once a week I actually write him a card or letter and mail it off.

I'm sure every one has spent some time away from their S.O., so how have you dealt with it? Did you have any "traditions" to help you guys stay on the same page?

Meh! Holy cow. lol. I'm just trying to get through my days right now. I know this seems lame - but after spending 10 days straight with Brandan I am constantly almost in tears because I can't stand being all alone. Boo. Thankfully Christmas break is just around the corner. Tomorrow I will edit my draft and finish my 10 page paper for Environment Issues, Tuesday and Wednesday will be devoted to my Child Psych exam. My other exams don't have a book, or a study guide - so that should be interesting. Ah! Now... it's 8 pm. I'm tired... soo guess what! I'm actually going to bed.

woot!

Where did the time go, and why did it stop moving?

Summer came to a screeching halt as Brandan and I parted ways to head back to school. I'm all moved into my spiffy new apartment, I'm loving my roommates, and trying my best to enjoy UT. I had planned on transferring, and while that plan was very real, and very close to happening - even when I was "going" to BYU, it felt so out of reach - like I knew it would never physically materialize with me living it Utah. Brandan came down the second weekend in August and actually proposed - got down on one knee and asked me to spend eternity with him. I know I'm kind of breezing threw all of this, but eh! Oh well. lol. So, now I'm engaged, I have a ring (for some reason it's a big deal. My mom said "Well... since you have to be engaged for a year, at least you got a pretty ring to show people!" gah! I would rather just have my Bran-man.).

I'm loving my roommates, but especially my suitemate, A. She is hilarious. She is constantly talking about awkward things - but with out being terribly awkward. Fantastic! I feel empty if I don't see her all day. It seems like the summer went by so quickly, and now that I'm at school it's moving at a snails pase, but A helps things move along with her fantastic humor.

Last night I stayed up until... seven in the morning working on a stupid paper. Gah! Tonight I am going to my last few classes, then heading to wal*mart to pick up some stuff and then going to bed so that I can get up in the morning. I am leaving tomorrow to go up to VT to visit B for the weekend! I am terribly excited and I can't wait to hug him. Ah! I miss just being with him. :P

Right on Target.

So things have changed a lot since my last update. I'm not going to give too much detail right now - that'll come in a couple of weeks. BUT let's just say life is good. lol. I started dating Brandan about three weeks ago... three weeks and a couple days... I dunno. It was a Tuesday. In any case, he and I go "way back." We went to high school together in Germany for two years. We were in band together and we were both in the play "A Christmas Carol." Since then we've been really great friends - almost five years now. So that is going really well. Maybe it's just because we've known each other for so long, and we just get along really well - but I really love spending time with Brandan.

Ummm... not too much else going on. I got a job at Target working the flow team, so I start work at 4 in the morning, and then I am done by 10:30 in the morning. Yeah! lol. It's a lot of work, and it's kind of tedious work, but it's a lot more entertaining than being a cashier. I'm working with some neat people, and every one was willing to help me out. At target they call the employees "team members" and when I was working the front, I really didn't feel like a part of a "team," but working with the people in the back doing flow is fantastic because every one really works together.

Other than that - my feet hurt, I'm clean because I just took a shower. I miss B-man, and I want to take a nap... but I don't think I should. Unless it really is only a nap. I mean... if I wake up in thirty minutes or an hour - that would be fine, but the way I'm feeling... I'm more likely to just sleep the rest of my day away. I need to go get my prescriptions transferred up here, and then... hmmm.... yeah. Then maybe I won't feel bad about taking a nap. I did get up at 3:20 in the morning. Boo.